i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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