Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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