I wish I could punch you in the face.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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