just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
