I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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