so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
