I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
