Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
