and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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