did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
