He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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