Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
jump out the window naked night went bad
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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