Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My underwear smells like fireworks.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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