Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
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When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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