Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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