I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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