two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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