I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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