I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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