I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
