the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
