DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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