I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
