so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
