i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
