guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
