I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
