I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
