i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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