I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
