If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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