it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
