I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My life is pants optional.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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