Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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