You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
