I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
