Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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