I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
