fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You made out with two different species that night
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
