There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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