I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Randomize
