Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
