i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
