just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
