I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
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Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
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A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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