Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
