he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
