I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
its liver damage thursday
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