when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Mom said you looked used
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
