I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
