For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
