White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
