Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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