Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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