im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
either way he was missing a nipple.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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