Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize