Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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